Saturday, 28 March 2015
4x4
Wednesday, 25 March 2015
A refection on yesterday, a glimpse into tomorrow
I have not gotten dressed yet today. I'm suppose to be out the door in 10-15 minutes.
It's taking all of my courage to bring myself to the truth:
I have to quit my day job.
Or at least, I have to provide them with the opportunity to change in order for me to stay.
I woke with a heavy head, heart and feet.
A lump sits in my throat - will I be able to speak?
From my heart/spirit? Will they listen?
I imagine entering the office, placing them into my shoes.
Reminding them, that when I applied for the job, it was for the position of leader. A position that virtually does not exist. They have not upheld their positions as leaders, they have not given what was promised. There is no team work. No organization. And the place is in shambles.
Yesterday, I approached the place bright eyed and hopeful.
I had many great moments with fellow colleagues, feeling like at least we can be mindful together and share a common ground. I felt maybe I didn't have to be making physical changes within the space, but rather help us all to look at the space differently.
That quickly shifted in the afternoon when I had to retrieve something from the fixture area.
I felt a sudden doom - really a pang in my belly.
I felt threatened! As if I could fall to my peril, it's so poorly organized.
This led to many thoughts, emotions and ultimately to my wondering once again "what am I doing here" "is this worth it".
There is no point in finger pointing, highlighting how things are wrong, what can be done differently.
Ultimately, I am not living up to my potential, and after doing a survey I feel many feel the same.
The sad thing is, I don't believe I can create change in the environment.
A fellow colleague who was suppose to be another one of the "team leads" has tried making suggestions. It doesn't seem to work.
…what to do… what to do….
I suppose I'll go in today. I'll be late, I can tell that already.
I'll take a deep breath, and share a part of my story.
I may quit? Or perhaps they will say something that makes me want to stay.
That part is up to them.
But I have to empty.
I can't hold it in any more.
I cannot bit my tongue and let days like yesterday happen again.
Days where I'm bright, then suddenly dark.
Some workers express how "it's not that bad".
So perhaps its me. But I just cannot help but see the big picture.
I see what's going on and I cannot just be a cog.
The experience has provided many positive things - I have learned much about leadership, how to run a business and especially about price points of merchandise (which I can apply to my own business Pike Lake Forge). And I have also realized another thing, how I could perhaps be a consultant on projects such as these. I have begun to deepen a desire to affect change in every day environments. Perhaps there will be more to stem from this experience.
Sitting on the sidelines as a leader, just isn't for me.
I flipped open a book this morning to read:
Positive Action: To make the soul healthy, positive actions are also necessary which erase the negative impressions of the soul and gradually re-establish the positive sanskaras.
I think today I have redefined what a positive action is - I am breaking a commitment, a contract. A commitment to my work and to my uncle for getting me the position. This is a positive action towards growth. Sometimes you have to let others down to bring yourself up.
(...I'll miss my friends…
We'll still have a party, celebrating that you all made it!)
It's taking all of my courage to bring myself to the truth:
I have to quit my day job.
Or at least, I have to provide them with the opportunity to change in order for me to stay.
I woke with a heavy head, heart and feet.
A lump sits in my throat - will I be able to speak?
From my heart/spirit? Will they listen?
I imagine entering the office, placing them into my shoes.
Reminding them, that when I applied for the job, it was for the position of leader. A position that virtually does not exist. They have not upheld their positions as leaders, they have not given what was promised. There is no team work. No organization. And the place is in shambles.
Yesterday, I approached the place bright eyed and hopeful.
I had many great moments with fellow colleagues, feeling like at least we can be mindful together and share a common ground. I felt maybe I didn't have to be making physical changes within the space, but rather help us all to look at the space differently.
That quickly shifted in the afternoon when I had to retrieve something from the fixture area.
I felt a sudden doom - really a pang in my belly.
I felt threatened! As if I could fall to my peril, it's so poorly organized.
This led to many thoughts, emotions and ultimately to my wondering once again "what am I doing here" "is this worth it".
There is no point in finger pointing, highlighting how things are wrong, what can be done differently.
Ultimately, I am not living up to my potential, and after doing a survey I feel many feel the same.
The sad thing is, I don't believe I can create change in the environment.
A fellow colleague who was suppose to be another one of the "team leads" has tried making suggestions. It doesn't seem to work.
…what to do… what to do….
I suppose I'll go in today. I'll be late, I can tell that already.
I'll take a deep breath, and share a part of my story.
I may quit? Or perhaps they will say something that makes me want to stay.
That part is up to them.
But I have to empty.
I can't hold it in any more.
I cannot bit my tongue and let days like yesterday happen again.
Days where I'm bright, then suddenly dark.
Some workers express how "it's not that bad".
So perhaps its me. But I just cannot help but see the big picture.
I see what's going on and I cannot just be a cog.
The experience has provided many positive things - I have learned much about leadership, how to run a business and especially about price points of merchandise (which I can apply to my own business Pike Lake Forge). And I have also realized another thing, how I could perhaps be a consultant on projects such as these. I have begun to deepen a desire to affect change in every day environments. Perhaps there will be more to stem from this experience.
Sitting on the sidelines as a leader, just isn't for me.
I flipped open a book this morning to read:
Positive Action: To make the soul healthy, positive actions are also necessary which erase the negative impressions of the soul and gradually re-establish the positive sanskaras.
I think today I have redefined what a positive action is - I am breaking a commitment, a contract. A commitment to my work and to my uncle for getting me the position. This is a positive action towards growth. Sometimes you have to let others down to bring yourself up.
(...I'll miss my friends…
We'll still have a party, celebrating that you all made it!)
Monday, 23 March 2015
I like the Goan Zone. Just arrived home from T.O.
For those of you who didn't know where I was, I spent some time sitting in circle with some great spirits involved with Youth Social Infrastructure Collaborative's Young Spirit Circle initiative.
I am grateful for the time spent, and I have come home with a full belly, some great new friends/colleagues, and a swollen head.
Swollen head?!
Well I was lucky to spend the time internally and collaboratively- all weekend. Now upon my return, I face my current reality in which I have filled my life to the brim with commitments - not all being spirit focussed. But all feeling necessary. Looking into my future, I know I won't be busy forever, or rather I cannot be, but for now I am pushing extra hard. I even thought "should I drop my "real job?"" (you know, the merchandizing one I work full time and often feel drains my soul). But I decided I will push through, I can do this. Maybe I'm crazy, holding a full time job while maintaining my usual schedule? But there are a few key things I am working so hard to accomplish, and I need to follow through with those goals - they will be a grand reward. This is a grand adventure. And this merchandizing job poses an interesting opportunity for growth. It puts me smack dab in the grown zone. Uncomfortable yet beautiful growth.
It's been interesting now that I've only been home for under 24 hours and I can already feel the impact of the time we all spent together, in circle. Our feelings, sharing, thoughts --are stream lining directly into my experience. I feel stronger and more action oriented. It's like the things that I sometimes allow to sit, brewing in the kettle gotta come out. It's making my head swollen, but with this I'm seeing what needs to be done. I need to release.
I've been reflecting on how "I am" within every part of my life. What role do I play? And I have noticed how I do not live up to my full potential in every moment. It is one piece of myself I study most often. Especially while at my 8-5 day job (merchandizing). Realizing I'm not "being" my full potential is frustrating. And I've been noticing it ever since picking up the full time gig in January.
It's not that I sleep. But I know I need practice, always, and to focus and bring more spirit into mundane moments. Gerrard asked "who we are" and if we bring our Spirit every place. Thus, I've been looking at my life as an artist, educator but most of all, as a minimum wage employee. It's the first time in a handful if years I have worked in a retail environment. And I'm thinking about how I often fall into the pit of dread and negativity. Even if I now and then crawl out and sing or I'm often smiling or laughing. Not everyone can hear me. I sing for myself. I smile alone. I can see how change or influence can happen within this environment, and I let it happen within me… but I often feel its not worth my consideration - to affect those around me. I think "I'm done the contract soon anyways, so why bother?" It's as though I think the place I work for should pay me more, as if money offers more value to who I am and what I do. I have a sense of purpose, and need to commit to a long-term occupation. This doesn't mean I need a pension or a raise.
Why is this I don't let myself shine?
Why do I hide?
Perhaps I am storing energy - and it is wise to realize how much I can give, and when. Which projects are "worthy" or rather, key. But how can I live up to my full potential at work? How can I make my minimum wage job fulfil my deepest needs? I know the answers, and its all about stepping up. And noticing what holds me back is the first step. Now how do I live up to those roles I step into? How many shoes can I fill?
One pair.
One pair that suits everywhere.
And its time I sing for the sake of everyone, not just myself. :)
I have a voice.
A drawing I created with facilitation provided by Karen.
…The ancient steps just outside our door.
They opened, just as our gathering came to a close.
Look familiar? I saw these little buds, and thought of all of us: Collectively growing together, after a long winter.
So yeah, I feel like I'm in the Goan Zone. It hurts but at the same time I see the beauty and opportunities for growth.
And I should be on duty... All of the time.
Wednesday, 11 March 2015
Making Connections
Exciting times! I'll be heading to Toronto for training with Youth Social Infrastructure. As a result I will be facilitating a conversation surrounding spirituality here in Thunder Bay. Let the adventure begin!
Read more here:
http://yongestreetmedia.ca/civicimpact/ysilaunchesyoungspiritcircles03112015.aspx
http://www.ysicollaborative.org/blog/2015/3/10/meet-our-spirit-circles-hosts
Read more here:
http://yongestreetmedia.ca/civicimpact/ysilaunchesyoungspiritcircles03112015.aspx
Photo credit: Kevin Sidlar
http://www.ysicollaborative.org/blog/2015/3/10/meet-our-spirit-circles-hosts
Pike Lake Forge: Pike Lake Forge: Keeping Pike Lake Alive
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