For those of you who didn't know where I was, I spent some time sitting in circle with some great spirits involved with Youth Social Infrastructure Collaborative's Young Spirit Circle initiative.
I am grateful for the time spent, and I have come home with a full belly, some great new friends/colleagues, and a swollen head.
Swollen head?!
Well I was lucky to spend the time internally and collaboratively- all weekend. Now upon my return, I face my current reality in which I have filled my life to the brim with commitments - not all being spirit focussed. But all feeling necessary. Looking into my future, I know I won't be busy forever, or rather I cannot be, but for now I am pushing extra hard. I even thought "should I drop my "real job?"" (you know, the merchandizing one I work full time and often feel drains my soul). But I decided I will push through, I can do this. Maybe I'm crazy, holding a full time job while maintaining my usual schedule? But there are a few key things I am working so hard to accomplish, and I need to follow through with those goals - they will be a grand reward. This is a grand adventure. And this merchandizing job poses an interesting opportunity for growth. It puts me smack dab in the grown zone. Uncomfortable yet beautiful growth.
It's been interesting now that I've only been home for under 24 hours and I can already feel the impact of the time we all spent together, in circle. Our feelings, sharing, thoughts --are stream lining directly into my experience. I feel stronger and more action oriented. It's like the things that I sometimes allow to sit, brewing in the kettle gotta come out. It's making my head swollen, but with this I'm seeing what needs to be done. I need to release.
I've been reflecting on how "I am" within every part of my life. What role do I play? And I have noticed how I do not live up to my full potential in every moment. It is one piece of myself I study most often. Especially while at my 8-5 day job (merchandizing). Realizing I'm not "being" my full potential is frustrating. And I've been noticing it ever since picking up the full time gig in January.
It's not that I sleep. But I know I need practice, always, and to focus and bring more spirit into mundane moments. Gerrard asked "who we are" and if we bring our Spirit every place. Thus, I've been looking at my life as an artist, educator but most of all, as a minimum wage employee. It's the first time in a handful if years I have worked in a retail environment. And I'm thinking about how I often fall into the pit of dread and negativity. Even if I now and then crawl out and sing or I'm often smiling or laughing. Not everyone can hear me. I sing for myself. I smile alone. I can see how change or influence can happen within this environment, and I let it happen within me… but I often feel its not worth my consideration - to affect those around me. I think "I'm done the contract soon anyways, so why bother?" It's as though I think the place I work for should pay me more, as if money offers more value to who I am and what I do. I have a sense of purpose, and need to commit to a long-term occupation. This doesn't mean I need a pension or a raise.
Why is this I don't let myself shine?
Why do I hide?
Perhaps I am storing energy - and it is wise to realize how much I can give, and when. Which projects are "worthy" or rather, key. But how can I live up to my full potential at work? How can I make my minimum wage job fulfil my deepest needs? I know the answers, and its all about stepping up. And noticing what holds me back is the first step. Now how do I live up to those roles I step into? How many shoes can I fill?
One pair.
One pair that suits everywhere.
And its time I sing for the sake of everyone, not just myself. :)
I have a voice.
A drawing I created with facilitation provided by Karen.
…The ancient steps just outside our door.
They opened, just as our gathering came to a close.
Look familiar? I saw these little buds, and thought of all of us: Collectively growing together, after a long winter.
So yeah, I feel like I'm in the Goan Zone. It hurts but at the same time I see the beauty and opportunities for growth.
And I should be on duty... All of the time.
