I have not gotten dressed yet today. I'm suppose to be out the door in 10-15 minutes.
It's taking all of my courage to bring myself to the truth:
I have to quit my day job.
Or at least, I have to provide them with the opportunity to change in order for me to stay.
I woke with a heavy head, heart and feet.
A lump sits in my throat - will I be able to speak?
From my heart/spirit? Will they listen?
I imagine entering the office, placing them into my shoes.
Reminding them, that when I applied for the job, it was for the position of leader. A position that virtually does not exist. They have not upheld their positions as leaders, they have not given what was promised. There is no team work. No organization. And the place is in shambles.
Yesterday, I approached the place bright eyed and hopeful.
I had many great moments with fellow colleagues, feeling like at least we can be mindful together and share a common ground. I felt maybe I didn't have to be making physical changes within the space, but rather help us all to look at the space differently.
That quickly shifted in the afternoon when I had to retrieve something from the fixture area.
I felt a sudden doom - really a pang in my belly.
I felt threatened! As if I could fall to my peril, it's so poorly organized.
This led to many thoughts, emotions and ultimately to my wondering once again "what am I doing here" "is this worth it".
There is no point in finger pointing, highlighting how things are wrong, what can be done differently.
Ultimately, I am not living up to my potential, and after doing a survey I feel many feel the same.
The sad thing is, I don't believe I can create change in the environment.
A fellow colleague who was suppose to be another one of the "team leads" has tried making suggestions. It doesn't seem to work.
…what to do… what to do….
I suppose I'll go in today. I'll be late, I can tell that already.
I'll take a deep breath, and share a part of my story.
I may quit? Or perhaps they will say something that makes me want to stay.
That part is up to them.
But I have to empty.
I can't hold it in any more.
I cannot bit my tongue and let days like yesterday happen again.
Days where I'm bright, then suddenly dark.
Some workers express how "it's not that bad".
So perhaps its me. But I just cannot help but see the big picture.
I see what's going on and I cannot just be a cog.
The experience has provided many positive things - I have learned much about leadership, how to run a business and especially about price points of merchandise (which I can apply to my own business Pike Lake Forge). And I have also realized another thing, how I could perhaps be a consultant on projects such as these. I have begun to deepen a desire to affect change in every day environments. Perhaps there will be more to stem from this experience.
Sitting on the sidelines as a leader, just isn't for me.
I flipped open a book this morning to read:
Positive Action: To make the soul healthy, positive actions are also necessary which erase the negative impressions of the soul and gradually re-establish the positive sanskaras.
I think today I have redefined what a positive action is - I am breaking a commitment, a contract. A commitment to my work and to my uncle for getting me the position. This is a positive action towards growth. Sometimes you have to let others down to bring yourself up.
(...I'll miss my friends…
We'll still have a party, celebrating that you all made it!)
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